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The Dulwich Mum
Share prices have plummeted and the size of City bonuses are shrinking faster than the polar ice caps. James insists that difficult decisions must be taken (sniff). Entries in my journal are destined to read like a harrowing epic tale in the same vein as Dr Zhivago (sob), an account of hardship in which I am torn between devotion to the man I married, and my overwhelming lust for the other man in my life Jimmy Choo. Apparently it has become necessary for everyone who is anyone to tighten their belts. Audra has been costing me a fortune to feed of late even as I type, she is lounging outside on my Barlow Tyrie daybed consuming a great sack of tortilla chips, as my poppets partake in a trampoline lesson.
The athletic young instructor is a complete dish. I would join Audra on my luxurious garden furniture, if it were not for the fact that she has the table manners of a lorry driver. If she were to spill any of the vile green dust from the jalapenoflavored snacks on my white J Brand jeans or skyblue scatter cushions, I would surely lose my composure.
I wonder if the handsome indigenous Australian coach could instruct me in Pilates. I am sure I have a Swiss ball somewhere in the garage (smirk). James has even insisted we cut back expenditure on our weekly grocery shop from Ocado (whimper)! I normally leave all of the domestic arrangements to Albena, the housekeeper, but in an effort to avert disaster I have volunteered to take the situation in hand personally.
I will continue to purchase Waitrose fare for James (the master),[url=http://nikefree.mobilejeti.com]nike free run[/url], the poppets (heir and a spare) and myself (naturellement). However, I shall handselect Audra's diet from Iceland, Lidl, Aldi and Netto (gulp). I intend to purchase cateringsized containers of frozen chips, waffles and bread her current diet is pure carbohydrates, a reverse version of Atkins! She is filling out nicely
I shall waft about the various discount shopping emporia in my Fit Flops and cashmere Travel Wrap endeavoring to look inconspicuous amongst the fake Ugg Boot and ski pantclad masses of SE15. I am certain that bargain shopping can take its toll on a girl, which is why the women I see plodding through the front door of these downmarket shopping establishments appear so careworn and haggard. Perhaps the trampoline instructor could provide me with a therapeutic postshopping massage?
Audra has been complaining bitterly as she is now expected to clean our home on top of her usual au pair duties. This afternoon she used an entire container of Cillit Bang and half a bottle of Ciff Mouse on my sumptuous living room alone! I will not give in; I refuse to employ unnecessary additional household staff during these difficult times. Her washday hands are a joy to behold.
I was completely delighted by my recent thrifty shopping expedition to Bicester Village Outlet where I saved literally thousands of pounds on shoes alone! I was simply doing my bit to keep the economy moving.
Clearly, there is a balance to be struck. I am a true friend to Gordon Brown. There is never ever any excuse for wearing inelegant shoes. As James says: "If we are to survive the current economic challenge, we must be brave, hold our chin up and walk tall." And to achieve that mummy needs some height!